Modern Warfare - Afghanistan

[psychops]

I saw on the news this evening that the Taliban have switched class to noobe tubes plus Claymores, and are currently camping in the hills.

Nato have called in 60 chopper gunners so far, and an unrecorded but not insignificant number of air strikes. This follows months of not calling in any air support at all. The sky is thick with UAVs, preditor missiles are pounding targets, just have to hope they don't lag spike.

Nato appears to have found a glitch to access more airsupport, in the form of a warning to the local population to get the **** out of the way.

News footage shows most troops packing one man army, most guns have perks and attachments. Judging by the load out, I doubt there will be many marathon runners. Though we can be sure that the battle field will have its share of sprinters and stabbers, and lightweight stealth ops.

It seems that at least two points are covered, defending may not be easy without some serious camping, time will tell what the real score will be.

End of MW Afghanistan news flash.

[dr.drew1987]

Hilarious.

[ImDannyIOT]

you must be bored :D

[psychops]

you must be bored :D Yup... that about sums it up.

[psychops]

Latest Update:

The Taliban team know the maps very well, and have all the good camping spots. Meanwhile NATO have discovered that it's hardcore mode, and have been team killing. "Human Shield" is the latest console hack, with women and children scoring the highest altitude accolade and most time in one place, being perched on the roofs of snipers hideouts. So far it looks out of the reach of a VAC ban, as the Tallies are hosting a crack.

Major claymore spamming has held up the advance of NATO, however SitRep is quickly mopping them up. The Tallies are fast running out of ammo, and with no star players running up kill streaks the chances of a suitable care package to replenish them is looking slim, it's going to go to the line with secondary close quarters weapons and melee, or rage quit and find a new game, the only options left. The Taleban are rumoured to be considering returning to their private match with Paskistan.

AC130s, Predator missiles and chopper gunners are owning for NATO, the glitch is still not patched.

[Pillboy]

News just in, Taliban have been found knifing and 'respawning' on the cliff's egde in Afghan, NATO have no comment.

[PublikEnemy]

In a recent press conference, General Petraeus didn't hesitate in saying "The terrorists are ♥♥♥♥in noobs, all they do is run around with Akimbo G18s and tubes, but rest assured, our nuke boosters are hard at work and will end this war soon."

[calorgaz]

From reading the news today it sounds like they are running out of ammo....

ya'll should have packed the OMA perk !!!

[Pillboy]

We have had a personal message from Osama Bin Hiding, saying that he blames the 'American Infidels' for the random Blue Bags.

[psychops]

An interception of an Osama Bin Hiding communication revealed....

"No matter what cave I am in, my team keeps getting tea bagged by the rear entrance. Is nothing sacred? Thank God the Yankie CopyCat got me light weight kit and mathathon pro to help me make my escape.

Listen brothers the Tactical Insertion is an infidel trick, do not use it, there is no respawn. For the love of xxxx what is wrong with my antique shot guns?"

Other news: An attempted texture hack was thwarted today, when a stash of Afghan Army and Police Uniforms were recovered from an enemy safe house.

[Pillboy]

(Reminds me of the news on GTA 4 lol)

Breaking news! The Rangers have halted there attack on the Taliban. NATO officials have blamed it on 'The Noob Host' and 'Uncontrolable Lag'. The Taliban, have coughed and laughed, and said 'The Americans are looking for excuses...I think it's a good game...I mean war'.

[psychops]

(rofl @ pillboy)

A further interception of an Osama Bin Hiding communication revealed...

"xxxx be praised, the magic bullets (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z_PTYuvuD9E) are on our side. The virgins are waiting. Now brothers we are hosting, start running the torrent"

Other News> NATO has recalibrated their Ping Bar Detector and have been surprised to discover the real truth of their situation.

"We can't fight a war with such low ping resources, we're going to hell in hand cart at this rate. The IWhite House has been asked to allocate more resources to a solution, but we're not holding out much hope. One bar out of ten is not going to cut it, we just have to hope that the Tallies are true nOObs and fail to take advantage of the situation."

[RoguePope]

+1

Thanks for the entertainment on a slow work day. This is great!!!

[Pillboy]

Ranger 'Sup333rrRR lEeeTTTxxxXx.x.|||' has been thrown out of the war for suspected 'aimbotting'. NATO have said 'The Taliban are f**king noobs man, they don't know a good player when it comes round their house with a battleaxe!' Osama Bin Hiding has stated 'He had a few dodgy shots, and when he killed one of us, he kept shouting: VISIT SUPER-PWNAGE-HAX.COM FOR UNDETECTABLE AIMBOT!' We had our suspicions then.

[lROFL_Waffle]

There have been numerous reports of people literally "teleporting" across the battlefield. There have also been rumours spreading NATO forces that higher-ups are contemplating charges for soldiers in future skirmishes on a monthly basis.

[Pillboy]

The Rangers recently moved up into 'Jejahalabad', and got teamed up with some Afghan Police Officers. The war was very bad this day, the Rangers complained that they had a 'Noob Team' and they 'Didn't understand the rules of the game'.
They claim the Taliban using 'Foul Play' and 'General Noobery', when the Afghanistan based clan 'AA1two' rushed their spawn with AA12s. However, the Rangers switched to 'Thin Pieces of Bulletproof Plastic', the Taliban have no comment on the matter.

[smokeyjokey]

That was cool :)

[Pillboy]

^What was?

OffTop: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=btn55_Lf5vI&feature=sub

[Memnoch-Fr]

^What was?

OffTop: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=btn55_Lf5vI&feature=sub

Brilliant :) That honestly recaps a 10 minute game of TDM :D

[Pillboy]

Brilliant :) That honestly recaps a 10 minute game of TDM :D

Lol .

[psychops]

[@ pillboy.. hillarious video ]

Breaking News: NATO Operation 'Together' is anything but. Battlefield communications are being jammed. The Talenban have recruited legions of small children with radio transmitters to scream sexist and racist abuse on all frequencies. The resultant chatter is making it near impossible for teams on the ground to get a coherant strategy together.

"We can't hear ourselves think!" one NATO combatant was heard to shout over the sound of his iPod. "Makes mores sense just to switch the damn headset off."

[Pillboy]

And now for the noose at 10. Ranger member Arthur Sleap, hangs himself, as he cannot belive that he must pay for a new battlefield. NATO officals have said 'We cannot confirm this as we haven't heard an offical repsonse. Osama Bin Hacking, Osama Bin Hiding's brother, has said 'Yeah man, I pay 20 dollars for dis hack 'ere man, I pay 20 more to pleh and ruin people gaming man.'

Also, have you been sniped from accross the map with a no scope 360? Then, simply scream 'Hacker' at the top of your voice until the game ends.

And lol at psy

[Memnoch-Fr]

In other news, Nato is looking into allegations of a new WOMD.

In effect, ever since the tallies started using air support to stop nukes, rangers have been sending female operatives behind ennemy lines.

The whooing this entails is apparently all the rangers needed to own the ennemy, who is too high on pheremones to be able to aim.

If these allegations are true, the Hague will take steps after they have 'interrogated' the undercover operatives.

Our reporter managed to contact one of these operatives who described the talenban as 'a load of horny, macho pigs'.

[Pillboy]

Extra Rangers have been flown into Afghanistan. But stopped outside he bordor. Why? Because they haven't found a war for 10 minutes. NATO officals have blamed it on the war's connection to the Ranger reinforcements. Talenban (lol?) have said 'Our reinforcements arrived just fine, they came here within a few seconds, sadly, the battle had just finished'.

In other news, the Australians are struggling to not teleport around when fighting with British Operatives.

[SuperNwordguy]

Latest Update:

The Taliban team know the maps very well, and have all the good camping spots. Meanwhile NATO have discovered that it's hardcore mode, and have been team killing. "Human Shield" is the latest console hack, with women and children scoring the highest altitude accolade and most time in one place, being perched on the roofs of snipers hideouts. So far it looks out of the reach of a VAC ban, as the Tallies are hosting a crack.

Major claymore spamming has held up the advance of NATO, however SitRep is quickly mopping them up. The Tallies are fast running out of ammo, and with no star players running up kill streaks the chances of a suitable care package to replenish them is looking slim, it's going to go to the line with secondary close quarters weapons and melee, or rage quit and find a new game, the only options left. The Taleban are rumoured to be considering returning to their private match with Paskistan.

AC130s, Predator missiles and chopper gunners are owning for NATO, the glitch is still not patched.



You do realise this is not funny? Real people are actually being killed and you mock this. Think more than games.

[Pillboy]

You do realise this is not funny? Real people are actually being killed and you mock this. Think more than games.
srs bsns.

[psychops]

You do realise this is not funny? Real people are actually being killed and you mock this. Think more than games. You are right it is not funny, I think it is ♥♥♥♥ing hillarious, and your post more so... I did wonder how long it would take some bleeding heart FPS gamer to tell me it's not funny. Well chum, that's satire for you. Now run along and play Prince of Persia, or Portal or something.

Why don't you start your own thread call it "War is no laughing matter, it is not a game" and we can have a debate there, this thread is looking for satire based on Afghanistan and MW2 combo, you can't cope with that and wanna spoil it with your righteous bs. Satire is deadly, and you have missed the point.

Tell you what, I'll start the thread for you....

[Pillboy]

Ahem, gentlemen.

New Talenban leader Guy Fawkes, was executed yesterday night, Afghanistan news reporters told us how it happened.

'Guy wanted change in the Talenban camp,to make them more...rushing material, so he strapped himself with a hell load of C4. He then ran all the way to the Infidel camp, but he was caught, and was held in custody, until the Afghan government hanged him. I wonder if he is still going to get 72 virgins...'

[Pillboy]

Bumped for great justice.

[andysfile]

While the ground war rages on, a mass delivery of vehicles are expected to be flown in early March to secure extra flanking routes recently discovered by NATO intelligence.

[Pillboy]

Breaking Newz

Half of the Talenban forces have stopped fighting, saying this war is 'Rather Sh*tty'. Reports are saying they have gone to another war because it has 'A choice of battlefield'. Sadly, the rules of this war state you cannot 'Go Prone'.

Also, Osama Bin Hacking was executed in a massive crackdown on 'Cheating' and 'Hacking' and '♥♥♥♥♥♥baggery'.

[SuperNwordguy]

You are right it is not funny, I think it is ♥♥♥♥ing hillarious, and your post more so... I did wonder how long it would take some bleeding heart FPS gamer to tell me it's not funny. Well chum, that's satire for you. Now run along and play Prince of Persia, or Portal or something.

Why don't you start your own thread call it "War is no laughing matter, it is not a game" and we can have a debate there, this thread is looking for satire based on Afghanistan and MW2 combo, you can't cope with that and wanna spoil it with your righteous bs. Satire is deadly, and you have missed the point.

Tell you what, I'll start the thread for you....

Woo, angry much guy? When you start a thread or express an opinion some are bound not to agree. Imo real-life facts with casualties are not funny for satire.
Lets say for example then that on 9/11 the Taliban got Jumbo airplane air support....
But lets not 'cause people actually died.
Nice try for satire though...:rolleyes:

[Pillboy]

Woo, angry much guy? When you start a thread or express an opinion some are bound not to agree. Imo real-life facts with casualties are not funny for satire.
Lets say for example then that on 9/11 the Taliban got Jumbo airplane air support....
But lets not 'cause people actually died.
Nice try for satire though...:rolleyes:

Ever heard about a guy named Frankie Boyle? He made a joke 'bout 9/11. It goes

Is it a bird, is it a plane? Well, whatever it is it's heading for the World Trade Center.

That was funny. I have my opinion of whats funny, while it may offend people.

[Pillboy]

The war is changing. NATO and Talenban leaders have decided to try and 'patch' problems with the war. However, no side has told us what was being 'patched' Ranger's have complained saying 'I want to know what people can't do anymore, so I won't need to avoid certain stuff'. Osama Bin Hiding has said 'It is difficult times. We must be prepared for illegal soldiers to find another way into this war.

[Cuddles]

Tactical nuke, ready for launch.

[Pillboy]

Tactical nuke, ready for launch.

No. Not yet Mr.Purr.

[psychops]

Woo, angry much guy? When you start a thread or express an opinion some are bound not to agree. Imo real-life facts with casualties are not funny for satire.
Lets say for example then that on 9/11 the Taliban got Jumbo airplane air support....
But lets not 'cause people actually died.
Nice try for satire though...:rolleyes:

Holy crap.. your are clearly not english... it was a job stopping people opening champaign on 9/11, let alone cracking jokes.

ROFL ... lets not get this thread closed as well... dang that was an un called for thread closure. I guess the mods are bored. I was just about to report in with my findings. (Nothing happened.. called someone out as a hacker... "STFU ♥♥♥♥♥"... got my sprog to do his run and stab class.. "You sexy ♥♥♥♥♥" ... that's all the comments I got.. left sprog playing as jessica... I'll keep you posted.)

[Memnoch-Fr]

Yep didn't get why that thread was closed, it was fun ... :D ok totally off topic by the end of the afternoon, but fun.

[Inzane]

Woo, angry much guy? When you start a thread or express an opinion some are bound not to agree. Imo real-life facts with casualties are not funny for satire.
Lets say for example then that on 9/11 the Taliban got Jumbo airplane air support....
But lets not 'cause people actually died.
Nice try for satire though...:rolleyes:

who peed in your fruit loops???

[Pillboy]

Psy's 'sprog' have invaded Afghan, under the alias 'Jessica'. Talenban and Rangers alike are hitting on this Jessica, saying 'I want to stick my Tactical Insertion' into your 'Bombsite'. However, even I am unsure if this 'sprog' is male or female. We'll stay with the story.

*waits to be smacked around, and if you do get angry, please
watch this. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nZn5S2ClwG4)*

[streather]

Quick ban the taliban players!


Wait whats that? They're using NATONET and not dedicated servers and theres no way of banning??



FFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

[Pillboy]

Le Bump

[psychops]

Breaking News>

Operation Jessica could do no wrong. Hyper speed knifing, Grenades with danger close and OMA, nothing could stand in her way. The tallies were heard to cry, "is it a bird, is it a plane? no it's a bird!... " before communications were severed.. stiffed without a whimper. So, the lesson to be learned... no matter what uniform our troops are wearing, if they fight well and keep quiet, they pwn. The enemy is left speachless. Call AQ out for hacking the drones, (http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2009/dec/17/skygrabber-american-drones-hacked) and they get very vocal.

[SuperNwordguy]

Holy crap.. your are clearly not english... it was a job stopping people opening champaign on 9/11, let alone cracking jokes.

ROFL ... lets not get this thread closed as well... dang that was an un called for thread closure.

A. No im not, so what do you mean, care to explain?

B. I expressed a different opinion i dont know who wanted the thread to close, if you are implying i did. (dont know how anyway)

[lROFL_Waffle]

A small group of NATO scientists think they have solved the mystery of dissapearing dead people!

[psychops]

... meh .....

[psychops]

Knock knock

"who's there?"

9/11

"9/11 who?"

I thought you said you'd never forget?

[Pillboy]

The war is momentarily down. NATO have wondered what the eff the Talenban have done to suddenly stop the war. Osama Bin Camping, a cousin of Mr.Hiding, has said 'Oh dear, they've done something wrong...again'. The Big Bosses of both sides have said 'You will be able to join the war, when we fix it...jesus christ'.

In other news, Joseph St.Cryingalot, has been found dead without a weapon! Local police have issued a 'warning' that we may have a 'dead man weapon stealer', and when he kills Joseph...he will yell 'Cruelty'.

[psychops]

@PillBoy rofl.

Here's the Olympic medal total so far. Free world: 168 medals. Axis of Evil: 0.

and other news

The CIA is now saying that a drone rocket may have killed Osama bin Hacking way up in the mountains. ... Let me translate for you. What they're saying is he's still alive and they don't have any idea where the hell he is.

[psychops]

Breaking News: The Beta Rangers have been bogged down in their on going attempts to re supply. Engaged in ground war, and blighted by claymores, the rangers called in an emergency airdrop. Rather than useful rations and equipment being delivered promptly two Virgina class attack submarines, and one Nimitz class aircraft carrier were delivered by road.

General Forkingjoke commented "This is a steaming crap in a shoebox on a gigantian scale, heads are going to roll for this"

Osama Bin Hiding confirmed that this would indeed be the case.

Private Grunt Gamer shrugged, still in shock after loosing all his friends yesterday while on night patrol, then finding them alive and well in the morning -
"It could be worse, last week we had thousands of troops parachute into the battlefield before they were recalled to their own forum of war." His thousand yard stare said everything, until he mumbled

"I should have known that signing up for Beta Squad was going to lead to problems, but I was hoping that this was going to be more like project Project MKULTRA (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Project_MKULTRA), my mates had a great time. This sucks, this is not war this is a waiting room. I would have signed up for Alpha Company if I had known"

[Pillboy]

^Lol

People from both sides have been wondering if there is any point in fighting. Osama and NATO have complained to eachother, that when they stop fighting on Afghan, they don't expect to have to fight there again. Osama has put this on NATO's God, saying:
'The American Infidel God had said we must fight on the same battlefield with the same people and tubers twice in a row. I am not happy with this. But if we must fight, we will'.

In other less exciting news, the serial killer who knives his victims in rapid succesions, hasn't been found, detectives are wondering what ma- location he will be speeding round next.

[bakstab3r]

LOL,best news report ever,

[SCMyDude]

Ever heard about a guy named Frankie Boyle? He made a joke 'bout 9/11. It goes

Is it a bird, is it a plane? Well, whatever it is it's heading for the World Trade Center.

That was funny. I have my opinion of whats funny, while it may offend people.

MOCK THE WEEK FTW!!!! I saw Frankie say that and it had me f'ing CRYING laughing... and for the record, I serve with USAF AUX, and i go to NYC EVERY year to honor what happened. Its not fun, but a requirement i made for myself as an American.

Satire can go with any topic, and if your emotionally up for it, can ease tension and actualy help.

[DrFaceless]

You earned some +rep there.

[Pillboy]

Absoloutly new news...kinda.

The leaders from both sides, the Talenban and the Marine have gone missing, the soldiers and other people are wondering whats happened. Two Police members were seen outside the offices of both sides. NATO and the Great Talenban Leading Force have had apparent arguements with the leaders and have supposedly fired them. We'll stay with the story.

In other news, Arthur Sleep Bed Specialists has been closed down.

[psychops]

Thank you Pillboy, in the UK the investigation into the poor protection provided to our troops goes into its second day, over to our correspondent....

... The on going enquiry into the deaths of service personel on Patrol MW2. This patrol was sent with substandard kit, and incurred the ultimate penalty, their lives.

MW2 patrol was sent out on a recon mission in "highly inadequate equipment" the only survivor stated under oath. "before we arrived here (Afghanistan) we were promised the best equipment, such as IHD (Improvised hkng devise) proof vehicles." The witness had to gather himself before continuing. "We were assured that our equipment would be the best the IWD could provide, if not the the world. What we were sent out to fight in was a VACTCH Land rover, with the most limited of protection. My comrades are dead, our only female combatant has been torn to pieces. This is not what we were promised, nor what we deserve."

This was months ago, and even though concerns have been expressed from all corners of the establishment, our corespondent on the scene informs us that nothing has changed.

As this enquiry proceeds, more and more of our brave boys and girls are being sent into combat at an entirely unfair disadvantage against the enemy.

To quote Private Grunt Gamer, who is still in the conflict, "When I arrived and there was no body armor I began to worry, when we got sent out in poorly protected transport, I got very concerned, when I realised that the enemy had h*cked into all communications, our every move was being tracked even when we are totally hidden, using the latest equipment and surprise was no longer on our side, I wanted to go AWOL."

Moral in the troops seems to be fading fast, as the deficiencies in the provided protection and security seems further and further away from resolution. How much longer can our brave troops continue to stomach this clear betrayal from the faceless IWD? Who can say? One thing is certain, for the first time in many years troops are deserting in countless numbers.

Grunt informed us "I have never seen anything like it, good solid heros of our time, just throwing down their weapons in the mist of battle, total disgust at the ♥♥♥♥ situation they find themselves in, I can't believe that I actually volunteered for this, and neither can they!"

That's the latest., stay tuned

[Redfyre08]

Funny thing is... one of the reason's Infinity Ward used for lowering the number of players in a match is so that kill streaks aren't being spammed all the time.

Yet whenever I see a gameplay video on YouTube there is ALWAYS air support in the air and ALWAYS UAV being used constantly.

[Pillboy]

Har har @ Psy

Today was a grim day for Marine forces operateing within the area. The war has spread to five new locations, one is a slightly bigger area than the infamous Scrapyard (or Crapyard to certain soldiers) called Scalvage. However, two old war fronts are being bought back in with the new three maps.

The War Cabinet of the War (NATO's War Cabinet/WC) have issued a statement saying 'We hope that the way the war has changed since the last one, would operate a much better experience than the last one'. He then went on to say 'However, one of our infamous AC130 would dominate on this green terrain. Named 'Overgrown', a bit like Robert Bowling's he-'. We unfortunatly lost connection with him there.

In other news, has your oversized rucksacks gone missing? Well, expect to find them vandalised with a large OMA print on the front.

[JesusH.Christ]

In other news, Osama Bin Laden is still camping that same damn hill with claymores and a thermal intervention.

[brphoenix]

In other news, NATO has reported some generals and majors failing at their jobs.
We asked Lt. Ramirez about his thoughts on this issue: "It seems our higher ranked soldiers have no combat practice at all! They keep ordering their troops to run out in the open, where they can easily be tubed. It's the biggest dissapointment so far"

[Danbowski]

You earned some +rep there.From me too. :cool:

[crazyon547]

The war drags on as the hell raises between tallies and rangers in the meanwhile the secret undercover agent group sqaud 141 has being traning all summer by playing mw2 toward their big mission.
The biggest news is that a knife runner reported dead has come back to live or is already alive but he had held out on the new maps while hes ping was so low that he coulden't do a thing(Not even wank xD), the best is hes a runner boy with a knife that hes using as a wanking tool... follow for more crazyness about somefew minutes, wtf?
(nice topic btw)

[Pillboy]

The Latest from Helmand Scrapyard.

Where does Osama hide? We show footage, of caves.

In other more exciting news, Bobby Schmotick, the man not funding the war, was in court with Jason East and Vince Zamora (main heads of the NATO Forces in Afghan land). Mr. East and Mr. Zamora were apparently not paid for their services to Mr. Bobby 'XxxMoNeY[x]MaNxxX' Schmotick, resulting in a record breaking $36 million lawsuit against Schmotick. We will stay with the story.

In other, less exciting news, another victim of the Martyrdom Ceremony, has come forward.

(I know its Jason West, Bobby Kotick and Zampella)

[dezuman]

Bump for lulz :D

[psychops]

ROFL Pillboy

Life immitates art... General Kotick has been called in to take away all the fun in Afghanistan... "We're not here to enjoy a Big Mac, or a Hawiian Topped Pizza.. god damn, I demand that we take the fun out of this immediately." he was repoted to cry "Live in fear you bunch of mushrooms, we've been planting IEDs just to keep you on yor toes, and to boost our margins, friendly fire is on."

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/south_asia/8588773.stm

[Pillboy]

^Lolz

Windows 7 is old, says man: I have Windows 2000!

In our Afghanistan news, General Allistar Of 5th Regiment in Battalion 56 Company known as 'WHSchmotick' has complained to General Kotick that 'We are not getting payed enough for our services'. A rather blunt reply from General Kotick, he said 'I don't care about my commun- army, sorry, just when I get the money you pay....I kinda...well...tee hee hee' Our reporter got nervous and terminated the interview.

In tragic news, Phillip McTurbine, is dead. Apparently, a mad man named Hack Rabbit Jones set his gun onto FF1, shooting his teammates in the head.

[ana hare]

thats funny

[coal.manshere]

Ha, very funny. :D