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RedWing
04-14-2011, 12:52 PM
It all started when our predictably heroic protagonist, Medic, woke up in a imaginery desert. It was the tenth time it had happened. Feeling abnormally worried, Medic poked a dangerous oil-soaked rag, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not). In a blinding moment of misguided bravado, he realized that his beloved Intellegence was missing! Immediately he called his favorite ♥♥♥♥ victim, Heavy. Medic had known Heavy for (plus or minus) 550,000 years, the majority of which were striking ones. Heavy was unique. He was clever though sometimes a little... oafish. Medic called him anyway, for the situation was urgent.

Heavy picked up to a very happy Medic. Heavy calmly assured him that most spotted wolf hamsters turn red before mating, yet long-haired sea monkeys usually scandalously sneeze *after* mating. He had no idea what that meant; he was only concerned with distracting Medic. Why was Heavy trying to distract Medic? Because he had snuck out from Medic's with the Intellegence only three days prior. It was a enchanting little Intellegence... how could he resist?

It didn't take long before Medic got back to the subject at hand: his Intellegence. Heavy sighed. Relunctantly, Heavy invited him over, assuring him they'd find the Intellegence. Medic grabbed his time machine and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, Heavy realized that he was in trouble. He had to find a place to hide the Intellegence and he had to do it aggressively. He figured that if Medic took the ♥♥♥ Trap, he had take at least seven minutes before Medic would get there. But if he took the Campavan? Then Heavy would be barely screwed.

Before he could come up with any reasonable ideas, Heavy was interrupted by seven annoying Scouts that were lured by his Intellegence. Heavy sighed; 'Not again', he thought. Feeling concerned, he recklessly reached for his gerbil and recklessly groped every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the foxy forest, squealing with discontent. He exhaled with relief. That's when he heard the Campavan rolling up. It was Medic.

----o0o----

As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at Texaco to pick up a 12-pack of dull pencils, so he knew he was running late. With a hasty leap, Medic was out of the Campavan and went charismatically jaunting toward Heavy's front door. Meanwhile inside, Heavy was panicking. Not thinking, he tossed the Intellegence into a box of wolverines and then slid the box behind his canoe. Heavy was stunned but at least the Intellegence was concealed. The doorbell rang.

'Come in,' Heavy wildly purred. With a apt push, Medic opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some dimwitted self-righteous ♥♥♥ in a time machine,' he lied. 'It's fine,' Heavy assured him. Medic took a seat mysteriously distant from where Heavy had hidden the Intellegence. Heavy turned red trying unsuccessfully to hide his nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' he blurted. But Medic was distracted. Heart filled with earnest fortitude, Heavy noticed a oafish look on Medic's face. Medic slowly opened his mouth to speak.

'...What's that smell?'

Heavy felt a stabbing pain in his double chin when Medic asked this. In a moment of disbelief, he realized that he had hidden the Intellegence right by his oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!' A lie. A insensitive look started to form on Medic's face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's wolverines from when she used to have pet South American hissing sloths. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. Medic nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before Heavy could react, Medic aimlessly lunged toward the box and opened it. The Intellegence was plainly in view.

Medic stared at Heavy for what what must've been three minutes. Heart filled with earnest fortitude, Heavy groped explosively in Medic's direction, clearly desperate. Medic grabbed the Intellegence and bolted for the door. It was locked. Heavy let out a electric chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, Medic,' he rebuked. Heavy always had been a little funny-smelling, so Medic knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before Heavy did something crazy, like... start chucking dangerous oil-soaked rags at him or something. Giggling like schoolgirl, he gripped his Intellegence tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.

Heavy looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.' Silence from Medic. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame ten days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly he felt a tinge of concern for Medic. 'Oh. You ..okay?' Still silence. Heavy walked over to the window and looked down. Medic was gone.

----o0o----

Just yonder, Medic was struggling to make his way through the disease-infested jungle behind Heavy's place. Medic had severely hurt his scalp during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral Scouts suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the Intellegence. One by one they latched on to Medic. Already weakened from his injury, Medic yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of Scouts running off with his Intellegence.

About three hours later, Medic awoke, his shin throbbing. It was dark and Medic did not know where he was. Deep in the lonely fanstic pumpkin patch, Medic was scarcely lost. Duly ecstatic about the looming crises, he remembered that his Intellegence was taken by the Scouts. But at that point, he was just thankful for his life. That's when, to his horror, a teensy Scout emerged from the swamp. It was the alpha Scout. Medic opened his mouth to scream but was cut short when the Scout sunk its teeth into Medic's ear. With a faint groan, the life escaped from Medic's lungs, but not before he realized that he was a failure.

Less than eight miles away, Heavy was entombed by anguish over the loss of the Intellegence. 'MY PRECIOUS!!' he cried, as he reached for a sharpened gerbil. With a apt thrust, he buried it deeply into his ear. As the room began to fade to black, he thought about Medic... wishing he had found the courage to tell him that he loved him. But he would die alone that day. All that remained was the Intellegence that had turned them against each other, ultimately causing their demise. And as the dew on melancholy sappling branches began to reflect the dawn's reddish glare, all that could be heard was the chilling cry of distant Scouts, desecrating all things sacred to virtuous men, and perpetuating an evil that would reign for centuries to come. Our heroes would've lived unhappily ever after, but they were too busy being dead. So, no one lived forever after, the end. :'(

Relto
04-14-2011, 01:11 PM
I don't hate you (http://66.90.118.45/soundtracks/portal-turret-quotes/spuoaccqqs/i-don-t-hate-you.mp3)

http://forums.steampowered.com/forums/forumdisplay.php?f=80

Europhoria
04-14-2011, 01:14 PM
What in the hell just happened??! :confused:

RedWing
04-14-2011, 01:54 PM
I don't hate you (http://66.90.118.45/soundtracks/portal-turret-quotes/spuoaccqqs/i-don-t-hate-you.mp3)

http://forums.steampowered.com/forums/forumdisplay.php?f=80

Yeah but I thought it would be nicer to put this here :(

Europhoria
04-14-2011, 02:17 PM
Why? Are you trying to avoid 50,000 people saying "cool story bro."

Pebr
04-14-2011, 02:32 PM
Congratulations... http://www.the-elite.net/---/story/

RedWing
04-14-2011, 03:44 PM
Congratulations... http://www.the-elite.net/---/story/

Yeah The title says i used this...