The Dumbest Players I've played with :)

[Protios]

WARNING: If you have no sense of humor, this post is not for you.


Shotgun Sally:
- Convinced the shotgun(s) is the be all end all
- Uses the Shotgun at long range
- Thinks peeling zombies off you with the shotgun is a good idea
- Usually likes to stand in the back


Petey Pyro:
- Doesn't know what a pipebomb is
- Shoots every gas tank / explosive as soon as it's in sight
- Thinks Molotovs are useful when someone is "boomed on"
- (duffdaddy67) Thinks throwing a Molotov on downed survivor with zombies swarming him is the ONLY way to save him


Ricky Rambo:
- Runs ahead of the pack no doubt trying to race to Zombie Genocide
- Complains when he gets jumped by a Zombie Special
- Usually also a Shotgun Sally
- (Disodium) Upon death proceeds to abuse team about how noob they are for not keeping up
- (MWM|Talon) Always rushes the people in the lobby, even if there is only you and him


Health Pack Harry:
- Never shares pills and/or health packs
- Heals himself from yellow health whilst you stand there with red health
- Sometimes a Ricky Rambo


Wally Witch B♥T♥H:
- Must disturb the witch
- MUST
- Does not know the essence of stealth
- Will never get "Do Not Disturb"


Car Alarm Carl:
- Shoots the car alarm... everytime
- Will run back from the safe room, just to shoot the car on the apartments map
- Almost always a Wally Witch B♥T♥H as well


Stu Spammy Spam:
- Doesn't know you can turn off the mic once it's been turned on in the lobby
- Plays music in game
- Doesn't hear your pleas to turn off the mic over his own mic spam
- Generally a young male who has not hit puberty yet
- (XM20k) Offenses increase in direct relation to their alcohol consumption


Norman No-Melee:
- Prefers to shoot the Smoker / Hunter that's got you pinned, even tho he's standing right next to you
- When told meleeing is faster, will argue to the death you're wrong
- Almost always in the "dedicated to" category
- Jumps out in the open after being "boomed on" versus finding a corner
- Requires the most healing indirectly making him a Health Pack Harry
- Almost always a Shotgun Sally


Schoolmaster Steve: (Zombie Pawn)
- Bosses his fellow gamers around in-game because he perceives everyone else as a stupid pupil (i.e., newb) who isn't taking the game seriously
- When not playing the game, he is writing long forum postings on how other players are stupid and/or publishes various "Survival Guides for Newbs"
- Like a boss zombie, generally ruins the game for everyone else


Pistol Pump Petey: (Gunner_Guardian)
- Always uses a pump shotgun and never an autoshottie
- OR Always uses pistols because he "looks cool"
- Has trouble understanding why tanks, witchs, all special infected keep killing him.


Friendly fire Freddy: (Gunner_Guardian)
- Will shoot you in attempt to shoot zombies near you
- Gets startled easily when you jump in front of you and accidently shoots
you
- Claims Expert and advanced are way too hard.
- Often a Shotgun Sally


Take my Sweet A♥♥ Time Terry: (PFC Erik(music))
- Must explore every room
- Has always walk turned on because
- Can't understand why everyone is in such a rush
- (Mongis) Usually Hunter / Smoker bait
- Ricky Rambo's sworn enemy


Dancing Dan: (frederf)
- Does not know the meaning of tactical camping
- Is constantly moving
- Usually in front of your line of fire


Competitive Craig: (Stryde22)
- MUST kill the most infected
- Gets angry when he/she isnt first on the stat lists
- Weakens the AI characters so he/she can do better than them
- NEVER is greatful when someone saves them
- Always is cocky when they save someone
- Generally isnt saved when attacked by hunters, then left in every
subsequent closet


No-Knees Nobu:(Stryde22)
- Cannot grasp the idea of crouching
- Has difficulty climbing the ladders
- Will never travel to an area that involves climbing or jumping (such as
the high roof in the no mercy finale)
- Always ruins the 'safety first' runs


Sam the Sneaky Sniper (Rhllor)
- Always picks the Hunting Rifle
- Failing that, uses Pistols
- Insists on everyone waiting while he picks of every Infected in the area
from afar
- Had Jump Shot and Brain Salad as his very first achievements
- Will always take his time and aim for a headshot
- Even when his target is just two metres away
- Especially when it is a tank
- Gets into strange/useless positions just to have as much distance as
possible between him and incoming hordes
- Quite often also a Norman No-Melee and/or Competetive Craig


Boom Box Jacob: (Sh4dowz)
- Always claims to be the best Boomer
- Says that Smokers and Hunters got to attack first
- Thinks he "owned" everyone, even if he vomitted on one person only
- Keeps waiting at the wrong spots
- Keeps killing himself when he is not a Boomer


Sergeant Green Bars: (Sh4dowz)
- Claims to have the best internet connection
- Never has any lag, according to his greenbars
- Does not know the net_graph command
- Keeps being annoyed if people try to go back to the lobby, to find another server


Nigel Rage: (Sh4dowz)
- Has the command "quit" binded to at least three keys on the keyboard
- Quits after he has lost one round as survivor
- Enjoys playing infected rather then survivor
- His number one rule, if you die as a survivor, you failed, you need to QUIT


Infected Jack Red: (Sh4dowz)
- Only plays infected
- Always starts of playing infected
- When it's time to changes sides, its time for him to change server
- Even though he plays infected so much, he still sucks
- Is usually a Boom Box Jack aswell

Silent Bob: (AngryJawa)
- Has no microphone
- When hes getting choked out or pounced he fails to tell his teams hes
being hit (usually happens when everyones been boomed)
- Never communicates at all


Oblivious Oscar: (Luckseven)
- Continues pouring lead into any zombies within a 10 mile radius despite
the fact that other players are incapacitated
- Walks right by any incapacitated players
- What health kit? I forgot I had one (you can also insert guns, ammo,
bombs, or basically anything remotely helpful)
- Is liable to let you die to a smoker/hunter despite the fact you have 100% health
- More than likely is stoned/drunk off their gourd and is suffering from
severely reduced reaction time
- Probably watching porn in the background while playing
- Mic is on so you can enjoy too!


Gas Can Gary: (Lunarbunny)
- Has to pick up every gas can, propane tank, and oxygen tank he sees.
- Has an order to which he prefers and will always drop (and possibly then shoot it) "lesser" containers to pick up a "better" one.
- Will carry a container until he finds a better one or finds a "good use" for it, even if the group is overrun and needs more than a melee attack
- Will try to carefully place the container for "optimal coverage" no matter what the situation


Melee mary: (Raivyn)
- Uses melee exclusively.
- Often neglects to pick up teir 2 weapons.
- Will melee through a crowd to melee something off of you.
- Will continue to melee even when there arent any zombies around.
- Often a shotgun sally.
- Often a ricky rambo.
- Infact often 'The n00b'

Doorman Donnie: (JCL)
- In the saferoom Donnie is in charge everything "door" related
- Shouts commands about the door; "Don't open that door!" or "get away from the door!" or Watch the damn door!"
- Expends clip after clip out saferoom door clearing path for all fellow survivors
- Needs to go back to the ammo pile to reload before even opening the door.
- Player who actually disengages the lock to the saferoom door
- First one out to get slaughtered by the Infected Bosses who've been waiting 5 minutes for the Survivors to exit the safe room

Masochist Max: (Hardcore_Bacon)
- Often the victim of Friendly Fire Freddy
- Is the survivor who is always vomited on by the Boomer
- Is the first one incapacitated after the horde attacks
- Uses up everyone's health packs/pain pills
- Often acts like a Petey Pyro

Stealthy Stu: (Kews)
- Never uses his flashlight, ever.
- Always crouching.
- Tells everyone that zombies are attracted to light.
- Annoyed if you shine the light outside the saferoom door before starting.
- Repeats that Infected can't see you when you sit still flashlight off.

Two-Times Tom: (Kews)
- Rechecks every room.
- Gets vomited, pounced on or dragged, then saved, then vomited, pounced or dragged again by same boss.
- Rekills anything you already killed.
- Climbs up a ladder, falls off, climbs back up, falls again.
- Jumps down, has to go back up for something he forgot. Probably to check a room you only checked.
- Surprised when you complete a map on the first run. "Cool, first try!"

Bestfriend Bob: (Kews)
- Never met you before.
- Lets you know midgame that he added you.
- Always in your personal line of sight.
- Offers you anything he finds.
- Shows up at your every subsequent game.

Gory Gabe: (Kews)
- Is ecstatic at the sight of blood.
- Lets you now how awesome every headshot was.
- Stops to check out the spatter on the wall, ground, clothes, teeth of anything.
- Has joygasms on Voice when the Horde comes.

Archaeologist Al: (Kews)
- Must read every line of saferoom text.
- Over again.
- Discusses the saferoom lines during Versus.
- Is determined to find the link between them all.

Bypass Bob: (Kews)
- Has to find paths around everything.
(Witches, gas cans, car alarms, loud bosses, open spaces, dark rooms, you name it)
- Upset with how risky his team is.
- A nervous mess on Versus.
- Panicks if a witch or hidden boomer blocks a bottleneck, rambling incoherently on Voice.

Demolition Dan: (HanoverFist)
- Likes to waste pipe bombs on a single infected.
- Feels compelled to throw pipe bomb right after anyone else has.
- Throws a pipe bomb at your feet to "save you" from a hunter.
- Becomes very irate, if questioned about his bomb chucking propensity.
- Will search every nook and cranny for more "ordinance"
- Will carry a pipe bomb while fighting hordes with melee.
- Cousin of Gas can Gary.

Exploit Erny: (CaleWillKill)
- Always breaks you know what door
- Must do the unlimited pipebomb glitch
- Always the first to know any new exploit, then spread it throughtout the game's community.
- Thinks they aren't exploits, they're secrets to find in the game. (yes, I've had someone tell me this)
- Blocks passages as infected so you can't progress

Cr0wning Carter: (SciFi_Guy)
- Always talking about his quest to get cr0wnd
- Always picks The Hunting Rifle
- Does not know that you need the autshottie to get cr0wnd
- Yells at you over voice chat for you to stay behind while he picks off the witch


*All these persons are fictional people, any real life resemblances are unintentional and completely coincidental,however, if you believe one of these characters is based off yourself, you should step up your game *

haha I hope I gave you a chuckle, if you can think of any more good ones I'll add them to the list and give credit where credit is due haha

About this post:
I originally posted this thread very close to the release of Left 4 Dead and I've been playing since the private demo. In no way am I trying to put anyone down in this post, it was for humor, I got the idea from a group on Facebook about people you'd meet in college. I'm guilty of doing a lot of this stuff from time to time, it's just out of sheer good fun, also, I've only added to the list the ones that I personally like and don't rip off too many of the other ones that are already listed. So if you think you have a good original one, just post it and I'll take a look.

Cheer,
Protios
Game On!

[hanzomo]

lmfao I was reading your description and almost farted in work from laughing so hard. Everything you have typed precisely describes the characteristics of these noobs that I have played with + I'm like brain dead at work, and my superintendent is looking at me strangely..

[candy]

that is way 2 true
there are also people that love to molotov you when a hunter is on your ♥♥♥, or will pump 10 shotgun bullets into your back when there is 1 zombie in front of you
or people that think it's fun to melee a tank

[Mostskillz]

LOL Nice list!

[Dionysus]

The alliteration is amazing.

Did their parents somehow predict this?

[Mynameisdamien]

Bravo sir bravo.

[Nebur]

Ricky Rambo, the bane of playing with cocky randoms.

Thank Valve for the vote/kick!

[Disodium]

Haha I can relate to some of these nice list mate lol!

Though Ricky Rambo needs:
Upon death proceeds to abuse team about how noob they are for not keeping up.

[xm20k]

Wally Witch ♥♥♥♥♥:
- Must disturb the witch
- MUST
- Does not know the essence of stealth
- Will never get "Do Not Disturb"

I will probably never get "DO Not Disturb" because I seem to have one in every game I play.
Had a guy join the other night moltoved the witch got "Burn The Whitch" and promply left the game.

[linfosoma]

Dont forget Jhonny Rifle:

-Stays the whole game in one spot snipping zombies while you are forced to move on on your own.

[Gunner_Guardian]

I got a few

Pistol or Pump Pat:
Always uses a pump shotgun and never a autoshottie or
Always uses pistols because he "looks cool"
Has trouble understanding why tanks, witchs, all special infected keep killing him.

Friendly fire Freddy:
-Will shoot you in attempt to shoot zombies near you
-Gets startled easily when you jump in front of you and accidently shoots you
-Claims Expert and advanced are way too hard.
-Often a Shotgun sally

[animetrooper]

excellent list lol

[Disodium]

Robby Rifle(man) goes better
Also complains when is left behind.
Usually team kills a lot because is BEHIND all other team mates and shooting through a door/window that the team needs to use.

[duffdaddy67]

Originally Posted by Protios

Petey Pyro:
- Doesn't know what a pipebomb is
- Shoots every gas tank / explosive as soon as it's in sight
- Thinks Molotovs are useful when someone is "boomed on"

this should also be edited to mention

- Thinks throwing a Molotov on down survivor with zombies swarming him is the ONLY way to save him.

[darkcobrabws]

Originally Posted by Protios;8535553[B

Petey Pyro:[/b]
- Doesn't know what a pipebomb is
- Shoots every gas tank / explosive as soon as it's in sight
- Thinks Molotovs are useful when someone is "boomed on"
- (duffdaddy67) Thinks throwing a Molotov on downed survivor with zombies swarming him is the ONLY way to save him

The one i played with the other day was worst than anything you listed for Petey, i got pounced by a hunter so he tried to take him off by throwing a molotov at me.

That was my biggest wtf in the game yet!